Well, it's been forever since I blogged. Why? Haven't the foggiest, except that life is pretty mundane - do research, answer the phone, do more research, go home, eat, talk to friends or family, sleep. Boring, right?
Not exactly. As some may know, and all will know in a second, I've really been working through a lot of spiritual issues lately. There are multiple reasons, including a sense that I failed God too much for Him to want to forgive me, a sense of unworthiness for the pastoral ministry, and some pretty profound disillusionment with the way my church has handled gender roles in the past. It's been a pretty nasty struggle.
But like all struggles, there are lessons to be learned. I learned that, though Christians can be careless in word or deed, they are also the most likely to get down at eye level and say, "I love you too much to let you wander like this."
I learned that God uses those who are unworthy to shame the wise. God uses the weak to shame the strong, the poor to shame the rich, the foolish to shame the wise. And, as Christians, we are that weak, that poor, that foolish because in us God is working. That is both humbling and frightening at the same time.
I eventually got down on my knees and told God that even if He sent me to a place where the church was split, the doctrine was stupid, the rules were legalistic, the women were oppressed, the men were egotistical, and the worship was contemporary, I would obey his call. It took a lot. I gritted my teeth and went back on it several times, but in the end gave it all up to Him.
No bells went off. I gained only a little peace, and no satisfaction. Still, I was surrendered, which mean, in the end, I wasn't doing it for peace or satisfaction or bells. I was doing it because I am completely owned by Jesus Christ.
Which brings me to a good point. The book No Better Freedom by Michael Card will change your life. You might hate it, you might love it, but you won't escape unscathed. His central premise is, well, that we are owned by Jesus and in that we have freedom. But to my little brain, it was commendable because not once did the author imply there was something broken about the modern church. Instead, he showed what discipleship was about. Instead of critiquing, he proposed. Instead of destroying, he rebuilt. It was liberating just to read.
Not that life is suddenly easier this week. Old Man comes sneaking up on me a lot, along with Temptation. I relapse. I wander back. I doubt everything again. I find myself vacillitating between extreme piety - Book of Common Prayer, late night prayer vigils, watching Jesus of Nazareth on my iPad - and extreme rationalism - no, you didn't just admit you believe in speaking in tongues, you silly fool.
So let's see what another few weeks brings.
Not exactly. As some may know, and all will know in a second, I've really been working through a lot of spiritual issues lately. There are multiple reasons, including a sense that I failed God too much for Him to want to forgive me, a sense of unworthiness for the pastoral ministry, and some pretty profound disillusionment with the way my church has handled gender roles in the past. It's been a pretty nasty struggle.
But like all struggles, there are lessons to be learned. I learned that, though Christians can be careless in word or deed, they are also the most likely to get down at eye level and say, "I love you too much to let you wander like this."
I learned that God uses those who are unworthy to shame the wise. God uses the weak to shame the strong, the poor to shame the rich, the foolish to shame the wise. And, as Christians, we are that weak, that poor, that foolish because in us God is working. That is both humbling and frightening at the same time.
I eventually got down on my knees and told God that even if He sent me to a place where the church was split, the doctrine was stupid, the rules were legalistic, the women were oppressed, the men were egotistical, and the worship was contemporary, I would obey his call. It took a lot. I gritted my teeth and went back on it several times, but in the end gave it all up to Him.
No bells went off. I gained only a little peace, and no satisfaction. Still, I was surrendered, which mean, in the end, I wasn't doing it for peace or satisfaction or bells. I was doing it because I am completely owned by Jesus Christ.
Which brings me to a good point. The book No Better Freedom by Michael Card will change your life. You might hate it, you might love it, but you won't escape unscathed. His central premise is, well, that we are owned by Jesus and in that we have freedom. But to my little brain, it was commendable because not once did the author imply there was something broken about the modern church. Instead, he showed what discipleship was about. Instead of critiquing, he proposed. Instead of destroying, he rebuilt. It was liberating just to read.
Not that life is suddenly easier this week. Old Man comes sneaking up on me a lot, along with Temptation. I relapse. I wander back. I doubt everything again. I find myself vacillitating between extreme piety - Book of Common Prayer, late night prayer vigils, watching Jesus of Nazareth on my iPad - and extreme rationalism - no, you didn't just admit you believe in speaking in tongues, you silly fool.
So let's see what another few weeks brings.
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